Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
