Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
