Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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