Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
