There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
