So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Everything about him screamed your future.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
