the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
