Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
