my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
