I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
