Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You're a waste of cheezeits
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
