Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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