She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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