she was so not down for the gang bang
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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