Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Too much gin, very little bucket
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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