did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
