I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
