Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
