just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
