I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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