i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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