i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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