my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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