I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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