I am in a vortex of obligation.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize