My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
