I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
