I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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