accomplished twins. life is a go
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
