my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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