I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
