I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize