Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
