Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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