was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
