All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Someone signed my nipple.
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