my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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