i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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