Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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