I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
