All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
