Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
