I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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