yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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