Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
