I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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