no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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