I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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