This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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