i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
