He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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