god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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