Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
