You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I want to fling myself into the sun
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
