I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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