I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Randomize
